Girl
by ErosAndApollo
Summary: Haruhi Fujioka comes out to the host club as non-binary after adressing a lifetime of gender dysphoria.


"Genderqueer (GQ; alternatively non-binary) is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1]"

The light of Haruhi's small laptop seemed to grow infinitely brighter as she read over the seemingly insignificant definition yet again. She could not even remember how she had found it, and yet it had come to her, as an angel would appear to a person in turmoil. She never would have thought that absent-mindedly flicking through random articles on Wikipedia would bring her to what was tantamount to a light at the end of the tunnel, the oasis in the midst of a desert. She could feel a distant buzzing in her ears, accompanied with a sudden alertness. Finally, an answer.

Haruhi Fujioka had never really understood what the big deal about gender was. She knew what parts she had, so why was it important to create an entirely separate bi-labelling system that everyone must be a part of? Haruhi grew up learning rhymes such as "girls are from Venus and boys are from Mars," along with the firm idea that no matter what the doctor called out when they pulled you out of mom, you were stuck with it.

Despite these teachings from her educated lifestyle, she always followed her father's advice first. After her mother had passed away, Haruhi's remaining parent had really stepped up to the plate in terms of providing a feminine influence in the household. Ever since then, "gender" had taken on a completely different meaning for her. Gender had become something fluid and maleable, something that was relevant yet irrelevant. Something so unbelievably important, and yet so easily forgotten.

Haruhi began debating her own gender identity at the ripe age of 11. Puberty was nigh, and all of her acquaintances were delving nose-first into the magnificent world of interpersonal relationships. Haruhi, for lack of a better word, was more narcissistic, as she much preferred to explore herself than others.

"So, I'm a girl..." she would say to herself during class, for she had already mastered the content being taught that day. "But what does that mean?" She stared down at her worn desk, muddled and confused. "What does it mean to be a girl?"

Haruhi began to detach herself from her female companions. She started to feel more and more estranged from them, as if she were of a different species. She drifted far away as her friends chattered over their experiments with makeup and which boys they had a fancy for.

It truly became a time of loneliness for Haruhi. She felt so incredibly different from everyone else that it was truly easy for her to believe she was the only one who felt the way she did. No matter how logically she could decipher a situation, she could not for the life of her discover where this impending feeling of wrongness was coming from.

So, to dissipate the utter calamity that the concept of gender seemed to cause her, Haruhi turned to the only solution that seemed at all sensible: she would erase "gender" from the list of things that mattered.

It was difficult at first. Haruhi felt the loss of her gender identity like the loss of a beloved possession, and it took her a long time to cultivate the apathy she utilized with grace whenever someone called her "young lady" or "miss" or "ma'am". By the age of 14, she had mastered the art of not caring about her gender. She accepted any pronoun with a blank look, any descriptor with a sniff. She was no longer burdened with inevitable femininity; but in its place, there was an aching nothingness.

Nevertheless, her apathy made her transition into the Host Club much easier than it would have been. She was already fairly androgynous, and only needed a couple alterations to appear as masculine as her peers. Assumed to be male, she fitted herself easily into the role expected of her. Through her adventures with the Host Club, she discovered many things about herself and gender as a whole. She was surprised with the ease of which she had changed her whole identity, and how meaningless her current (yet repressed) gender was. The only people who knew the truth were her fellow co-workers at the Host Club, and they supported her unerringly. In a place where her presence as a male seemed so manditory, she felt happier and more as a whole than she ever had. She was free to execute flawlessly the performance of a male without acknowledging her previous gender at all.

Which was why it was so utterly groundbreaking to Haruhi to discover the existence of genders that were not girl or boy.

"Non-binary..." she spoke softly, for her father slept nearby. She felt chills as the word passed her lips, almost as if it were coming to her, glad to be in a place of relevence. She read the definition again.

"I could be neither a girl or a boy..." She thought to herself. "Not forced to be masculine or feminine...I could just be...whatever I want."

Haruhi could feel countless emotions welling up inside her, the feelings of years of repression and suffering when the answer was here all along. She would begin her life anew, in a way where she could truly express herself as masculine or feminine or androgynous, whatever she liked.

"Hmm...she...her... Am I still a "she"?" Haruhi's elation train stopped to a hault, for of course this was an important point to consider. If she was going to remould herself into a blank slate of gender-neutral brilliance, then being called a "she" was no good. Turning back to her laptop, she sought enlightenment once more.

"Some genderqueer people prefer to use gender-neutral pronouns such as one, ze, sie, hir, co, ey or singular "they", "their" and "them", while others prefer the conventional binary pronouns "her" or "him". Some genderqueer people prefer to be referred to alternately as he and she, and some prefer to use only their name and not use pronouns at all.[15]"

"Jeez, I've never even heard of some of these pronouns...and "they" can be used singularly? Well, I guess so, what are you supposed to call someone when you don't know their gender? See, that sounds just fine." Haruhi smiled, encouraged by the internal evolution occurring inside theirself. It was like seeing a butterfly emerge from a chrysalis, exponentially more graceful and beautiful than its previous state. They felt a heat within theirself, melting the apathy surrounding their previous gender as a blinding sense of pride engulfed them.

"I'm Haruhi, and..." they started, nervous. After a deep breath, they found their strength. "I'm non-binary."

Haruhi entered the Host Club the next day feeling weak and nervous. The previous night's elation had been replaced with a gnawing fear of being misunderstood and taken for a strange deviant. They trusted all of the Host Club to the extent of their ability, but they assumed that none of them had the slightest inkling on what "non-binary" meant, while simultaneously losing faith in their ability to explain it in a way that was easily understood.

Deciding there was nothing that could be done about these things, Haruhi pushed open the double doors of the music room the Host Club used as their HQ. Upon entering, Haruhi's eyes were assaulted by a hodge-podge, makeshift display attempting to emulate what might have been a western-style saloon, complete with a bar and a piano. Before they could escape in time, Haruhi was roughly yanked into the wooden parlor by Tamaki who was dressed as an old-fashioned saloon maiden.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki shouted happily, his lipstick horribly smudged next to a penciled beauty mark the size of a dime. "You're just in time, we're opening in 10 minutes. Quick, put this dress on!" Tamaki seized a lacy pink western-styled dress, complete with flats and fishnet stockings.

Haruhi accepted the items and promptly dumped them on a nearby chair. "Senpai, there's something I have to tell you." Before they could continue, Hikaru and Kaoru burst in from the changeroom, almost knocking over a potted cactus. They were both wearing cliche desperado attire, accessorized by holsters and bandanas.

"Hey boss, these chaps are a little tight..." Hikaru squeaked, pulling at the leather below his belt. "I mean, REALLY tight..."

"Tamaki, please tell me you didn't give Haruhi that dress on the chair," Kaoru groaned. "I mean, are you sure she'd even put up with wearing that stuff?"

"What?! I picked this dress out specifically for her! I just knew she'd love it, don't you just love it Haruhi? Daddy always knows what's best for his little girl!" Tamaki spouted, snatching the dress from the chair. He moved it closer and closer to Haruhi, hoping sheer exposure would sway them to wear it.

"Actually, Senpai, I'm not..."

"Haru-chan! You're here!" Hunny squealed as he entered with Mori, who was dressed as an old fashioned bartender.

"Ah, yes, Haruhi, did you remember to bring those toy plastic guns? They're popular among commoner children, aren't they?" Kyoya entered smoothly. He, of course, was not dressed up nearly as much as everyone else, save for a small fake mustache.

"Oh, yes..." Haruhi looked down at the plastic bag in their hand, realizing now the purpose for buying them. "Just a second, you guys, I gotta..."

"Oh, it's 9 o'clock! Time to open the doors to the public!" Tamaki announced, moving towards the ornate double doors. Haruhi blocked his path.

"J-Just a second, Senpai, there's...something I have to tell you!" Haruhi shouted, reddening. Tamaki stopped, confused. The others all fell silent, their previous chatter forgotten.

"Oh, uh...alright Haruhi, sure thing. What is it?" Tamaki said gently.

"I..." they began, praying for strength. "I'm going through some big changes so...I just wanted to ask you guys to bear with me." They looked down at the floor, almost praying that they had picked another time, another place to make this momentous announcement.

"Changes, Haru-chan?" Hunny asked softly. "Like what?"

"Yeah, Haruhi." Hikaru responded. "What's up?" Kaoru finished.

"I'm, uh... For a long time, I've felt a certain way about...well, myself really, but a lot of things." Haruhi swallowed and cleared their throat. "I've treated myself kind of poorly for the last few years. I shut away a lot of feelings because, well...it was just too much of a hassle to deal with them. So recently, I've, uh, decided 'no more'. The way I was living, I was just pretending to be someone I wasn't. So from now on, I'm going to be myself."

Everyone was smiling at them, still unaware of the point of Haruhi's speech and yet touched the they would confide in them. Tamaki looked to be on the verge of tears.

"So, uh... I've discovered that...I'm not actually a girl." The smiles around Haruhi faltered as everyone tried to decipher this announcement. "Being a girl was...really hard as a kid, and I just, it's not for me anymore. I'm not supposed to be a girl. So I'll be something else."

"So...a boy?" Hunny asked cautiously, tilting his head.

"Well, no, I'm not supposed to be that either. There's, uh, this thing called "non-binary" and, well, it basically means "not a boy or a girl". I learned about it last night, and I thought about it a lot, and...uh..." they faltered, feeling any strength they had leave them. Why was it so hard? They had run over this scenario over and over again in their head, but it was never supposed to be this difficult. Haruhi felt their face grow hot and brought a hand to their forhead. They could hear voices outside the double doors, eager patrons excited to see today's gimmick. Haruhi was fenced into this horrible awkward situation. Haruhi felt something close around their body and looked up to see Tamaki hugging them.

"It's alright, Haruhi," he sniffed. "Go on, it's alright." They looked up to see everyone staring at them intently, yet with soft, open expressions. They felt their strength return, along with a feeling of foolishness. How could they ever have doubted these peopld?

"Ah, uh...thanks, Senpai..." Haruhi murmured, smiling as they detached from Tamaki. "So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm just not cut out for being a girl. Or a boy, for that matter. So I won't be either of them."

"What do we call you then?" Mori answered quietly, smiling. Everyone was smiling, their hearts swelling with pride.

"Oh, yeah. Well, instead of 'she' and 'her', you can instead say 'they' and 'them'. I know it'll be really hard at first to get used to, but, uh...it would...mean a lot to me." Haruhi looked at the faces around them, hoping they didn't come across as needy or unreasonable; they couldn't help but exhale in relief as everyone slowly nodded, still smiling.

"Don't you worry, Haruhi, we'll all get the hang of it." Tamaki said grinning. "After all, you're daddy's little gi..." Tamaki began, then stopped himself. "Oh uh, oops. Hehe, sorry Haruhi."

Haruhi smiled widely as everyone moved towards them, eager to express their attempted understanding. If there was one thing they all wanted to avoid, it was making Haruhi feel like an outcast (for reasons other than their economical position.)

From that day on, Haruhi became much more lively in the Host Club. They had progressed from a stage of mere enjoyment to a lifestyle of acceptance and self-actualization. Everyone practiced using the correct pronouns and, while the patrons of the Host Club referred to Haruhi exclusively as a male, Haruhi's close companions would always use their preferred ones. Haruhi would fluctuate between phases of masculinity and femininity, and would sometimes be completely androgynous.

But no matter what Haruhi looked like, they were always happy.


End file.
